Ram Control

I found out for you what’s wrong with masturbation and other things about sex and relationships

read about masturbation

Readers ask, VICE answers. This time you will read about masturbation and what are the reasons why you don’t feel like sex.

read about masturbation

Before you get down to business, don’t forget that every Thursday evening VICE sends you VICII & DELICII, a newsletter in which we aim to talk honestly about sex and drugs . If you haven’t already, subscribe to the newsletter here . At the same time, we await your curiosities on these topics, and we ask experts to answer you. You can write to us on Instagram.

The answers below were given by Bogdan Morar, clinical psychologist, psychotherapist and sexologist, but also creator of online content in the field of sex education.

When it comes to masturbation, go wild, but not in public

“What should be the process of masturbation for women, but also for men? And should it be otherwise than it is obvious?”

I notice that you used the word must twice . It must be a very interesting topic for you! The truth is that we don’t have to masturbate in a certain way, because there is no recipe for such a thing, so in that sense… you have a free hand (no pun intended).

You know, masturbation is great, a great way to get to know your body, figure out how it works and what buttons to push to generate waves of pleasure. And yet, it often feels like a taboo, even though everyone does it, regardless of sexual orientation, gender identity, or age. But if everyone does it, then why do we still shroud it in shame? Why do we still practice it in secret and why do we feel guilty afterwards? Look, maybe a must go here . We need to get rid of this toxic paradigm related to a completely natural and normal phenomenon. We must break free from the puritanical messages and beliefs about sex and pleasure that we have internalized.

Well, you would like to know what the masturbation process actually looks like, for both women and men. I repeat, there is no standard way, no particular technique of masturbation. Every man is different, and that means that masturbation styles also differ to some extent. But I can satisfy your curiosity by drawing some “helping lines”:

On the hygiene side , washing your hands before and after masturbation is something I strongly encourage. You don’t want to risk urinary infections or be the one who doesn’t wash their hands after a passionate session of self love.

Legally , masturbation is a private and personal activity. That means it’s your responsibility to make sure you do it in a private environment where you can be free. Public spaces are not suitable places for masturbation, even if it would be exciting for some. If you still choose to spice up your sex life by masturbating in public, take your own risks from the start.

I already said that there is no actual guide, much less a correct way. Even so, here are some general tips, useful for both men and women:

For penis owners:

  • Start by exploring your body. Play with the penis, testicles, perineum, nipples and anus, but don’t limit yourself to these areas only. Discover what feels good.
  • Experiment with different touch, stimulation techniques. Vary the speed, pressure and pace to suit your taste. If you want or need it, you can use lubricant.
  • You can insert all kinds of sex toys to take masturbation to the next level (masturbators, anal dildos, butt plugs, nipple stimulators, etc.).

For vulva owners:

  • Start by exploring your whole body and discover what feels good. Familiarize yourself with your clitoris, labia, vagina, anus, nipples and other sensitive areas.
  • You can try different touch techniques when stimulating yourself. Try to vary the speed, pressure and rhythm. Don’t be shy about using lube.
  • Some women like to use sex toys during masturbation (vibrators, dildos, clitoral stimulators, nipple stimulators, butt plugs, etc.). If you find it interesting, you can try to introduce them into your masturbatory repertoire. As you can see, things are quite loose. You wash your hands before and after, make sure you’re in a private environment, and get to work. What it would be useful to remember is that each person is unique in their own way, and what feels good for one person may not work for another. When it comes to masturbation there is no right or wrong way to go about it. Focus on the sensations you feel, do what feels good and go with the flow. After all, that’s the point, right?

No, frigidity does not exist

“How does a woman get frigid? Are you born with a predisposition, can it be the result of abuse, is it just not discovering sexuality?”

Okay, we have a few things to clear up, so let’s take them one at a time.

“Frigidity” is a problematic socio-cultural construct. There is no suitable descriptor or diagnosis, at least not a valid one. In short, it’s a term that has been used throughout history to control and oppress women’s sexuality.

The term was used to describe a woman unable to enjoy sex or believed to be unresponsive to sexual stimuli. The idea was and still is used to impose patriarchal norms on women and humiliate those who do not conform to expectations about sexuality. So the concept of “frigidity” is an outdated and problematic one, so let’s leave it behind, because today we actually call it low sex drive.

Well, today we know that low sex drive is not caused by any birth defect or medical condition. On the contrary, it can be caused by a wide range of factors that influence libido.

There are organic factors such as hormonal changes, medical conditions and the use of certain medications, but also psychogenic factors such as stress, relationship problems, past experiences (including trauma or abuse), cultural and religious beliefs. It is also important to emphasize that sexual desire is a complex and dynamic aspect of human sexuality, not something static. On the contrary, it can vary greatly from one person to another, but also throughout an individual’s life.

For example, some people may experience high levels of sexual desire at certain times in their lives and low levels at other times, and that’s perfectly okay.

To answer your question, a woman may end up facing a low level of sexual desire when various organic conditions or psychogenic disorders occur. Whether we are talking about a hormonal imbalance, relationship problems or a high level of stress, sexual desire is not immune to these changes and begins to decrease. Of course, these changes are reversible, and the treatment differs depending on the etiology, that is, the cause.

As for having a genetic predisposition towards “frigidity”, I wouldn’t say there is a predisposition, but I wouldn’t say there isn’t either. There are some studies on this, but more research is needed to say for sure – there are indeed hints that gene expression might influence libido, but we don’t know anything for sure yet.

What we do know is that certain organic and psychogenic factors significantly influence sexual desire. Just think about the impact of physical, emotional or sexual abuse on the psyche and it suddenly starts to become easy to understand why survivors might lose interest in sexual activities.

The same is the case with the “non-discovery” of sexuality for various reasons (social, cultural or religious). For example, it is impossible to find your motivation or sexual desire towards a man if you are a lesbian or asexual woman. Just like it’s difficult to show too much enthusiasm for a vanilla sexual repertoire if you’re more attracted to a kinky area like BDSM. It can also be a real challenge to want sexual intimacy if you don’t feel safe or respected within the relationship. That’s why it’s important to explore our sexuality, to mostly identify our preferences and orient ourselves towards compatible partners.

In any case, low sexual desire is a challenge that affects many women, up to 30 percent of them to be exact. It also affects men, but in a smaller percentage. If you are concerned about the current level of sexual desire or if you have noticed a decrease in the intensity of arousal, a decrease in the frequency of erotic thoughts and fantasies, then it would be useful to talk to a sexologist or sex therapist. They can give you the support and space you need to explore this, possibly get a diagnosis, and come up with a treatment plan together.

Do not forget that the most sensitive sexual organ is the clitoris, not the vagina

“I don’t feel any satisfaction when I put something in my vagina, I’m afraid it will be the same when I have sex. Could it be a medical problem or something that could be solved through experimentation?”

Before you go that far with your fear—that you won’t feel any pleasure during sex—it’s important to set the context first. What exactly were you doing when you tried to insert something into your vagina? Were you masturbating or was it just a moment of curiosity exploring your body? Because, you see, our sexual organs don’t always produce pleasure. Sometimes they cause pain and discomfort. Other times, the answer is as neutral as possible, devoid of any pleasant sensation.

This is because there are a lot of factors that influence the pleasure we feel during sexual intercourse or during masturbation: the degree of relaxation, the level of stress, the relationship with your own body, the existence of conflicts with your relationship partners, the level of anxiety, depression, various drugs and so on. All these factors can sabotage or facilitate the pleasure felt.

Now, of course, there can also be certain organic conditions that prevent pleasure from occurring or that cause pain and discomfort. If you suspect that you may be facing an organic affliction, then I recommend a gynecological check-up to rule out any kind of pathology. But in general, it’s about the fact that women don’t know their bodies that well. This is where masturbation comes in and developing an erotic, sensual relationship with your own body.

As you can see, sexual satisfaction is a rather complex matter. Although it is written into us as a reward for “perpetuating the species”, it is not necessarily guaranteed. In reality, it is influenced by many external or internal factors, and these can considerably diminish or amplify the experience of pleasure. For example, when you are relaxed and insert a finger into your vagina, you will notice that after the first two to three centimeters of depth, you don’t feel much anymore. You could even stimulate your clitoris and conclude the same thing – that in a relaxed state, our sexual organs are actually pretty neutral areas. 

 This is because the context is missing, there are no exciting stimuli to activate that area, to let the brain understand that it is time to translate those sensations into another language, that of pleasure. Because the biggest sexual organ is the brain. Not the penis, not the clitoris, and certainly not the vagina. But the lack of pleasure can occur even when there is arousal, as the body prepares the area for “action” through clitoral erectile response and vaginal lubrication. In this situation, the same factors above can sabotage or facilitate pleasure.

At the same time, it’s important to understand that vaginal penetration is not a pleasant experience for everyone. After all, the most sensitive sexual organ in people with a vulva is the clitoris, not the vagina. However, most penetrative sex positions do not properly stimulate the clitoris, and this can further decrease the pleasure felt during intercourse. Because of this, approximately 75 percent of women do not achieve orgasm through simple vaginal penetration, but also need direct clitoral stimulation.

So put aside everything you’ve heard left and right or seen in pornography , because they are not relevant sources of information. People exaggerate their experiences to impress others, and pornography distorts reality disturbingly. In porn movies, women are always ready for penetration and achieve impressive orgasms with maximum ease. They scream, roll their eyes, squirt and climb the walls in pleasure. In reality, things are quite different.

Each body is unique and reacts differently to various stimuli. So approach the situation with patience and curiosity. Get into the mindset of erotic play or experimentation and let yourself be carried away. For example, masturbation can be a great way to learn more about yourself and your body. 

Explore your body and identify your erogenous zones. Don’t just limit yourself to the vagina. Play with your breasts, inner thighs, abdomen, neck, etc. Relax and discover what you like. Find out where and how you like to be touched. Think about erotic things. Lose yourself in your own fantasies. Then you can start playing in the vulva area. First externally, paying attention to the labia and clitoris, after which you can begin to explore the vagina, either with your fingers or with a toy. Try to vary the stimulation by changing the pace, speed and depth. Combine clitoral stimulation with vaginal penetration and see what heights of pleasure your body takes.